Thursday, October 30, 2008

pieces of grace...

Sometimes when we are at a low point, or a point in our lives where we choose to question who we are, who we are meant to be, and who we want to be, a little piece of grace, purely by chance, drifts our way.

Photography is not my passion, that is far too limiting. It is in fact, how I see the world around me. It's my saving grace, my sanity, my outlet, and it ironically allows me to let down my guard. I can see a side of people, even loved ones, through my camera, that are so blatantly pure. I have documented my newborn babies while I still lay in the bed they were born in moments before, the face of my beautiful daughter as her tiny body was set in her wooden coffin, my grandfater staring into the sunset at the same nursing home he passed at months later, my 2 youngest children tucked into a cardboard box, pretending to sail away, never knowing I was watching...beautiful and painful things.

Lately, I have questioned my ability, and have had moments of doubt, where I think that just maybe this love that I have for images and portraits and the world around me is not what I should be doing, not my job to document, and is not a gift that I have.

Then I watched Antiques Road Show (I know, that's what you all expected me to say, right?), the same as I do every week while I edit images on my laptop, and as I was about to shut off PBS, the biography of the incredible Annie Leibovitz came on. Of course I have been a huge fan of hers for years, along with Bresson, Capa, and the modern day Jill Greenberg, but I had never before seen this side of her. Very real, vulnerable, and at times it appeared, unsure of herself. To see someone that in my mind has always been so sure of herself, and so in charge, and has documented and recorded some of the greatest portraits of our modern times, was just...grace. Pure, saving, grace. Something that I needed to hear. I am quite possibly the most self critical person that I know, but I realized that's okay, as long as I can keep at it. If my criticism ever gets to the point that I want to quit, then the point of what I set out to do is gone, as is my love for photography. I want to push myself BECAUSE I love what I do, not to MAKE myself love what I do.

back to blogging, and doing fall stuff...

So, I would be lying if I said the insanity has died down, and that's why I'm back to blogging, but alas, it is not. Things are still going full force sessions, proofing, packing to move, cleaning incessantly, and sadly, dealing with the theft of thousands of dollars of photography stuff. Big huge bummer there, but many thanks to Stuart and my fellow OSPers for their help in that department, and for letting me borrow cameras and stuff!

The fact is...I just miss blogging, about the little bits and pieces of day to day life that keep me sane. And insane. :D Right now, I am trying to find little snippets of time for Christmas gift creation. I'm working on a granny square scarf, I think for my sister, in lovely shades of espresso brown, gray, and muted pink. I may have bitten off more than I can chew in the realm of handmade items, but we'll see what I can squeeze in time for. I just cannot bear to give my family more toys. We really need no more cheap, mindless toys! There may be a felt board in the works inspired by my friend Visty. I think a fabric play teepee, and thanks to Amanda Soule I (along with the rest of the world) flocked to the Stubby Pencil Studio to load up on stocking stuffer crayon rocks, and art supplies, for Max, my mercurial artistic genius of the bunch. Just a peek below of the scarf, cuz it's perdy!